False Alarm

    

     Last week I took my daughter to the doctor because she had a stuffy nose and this being flu season I wanted to be sure it wasn't the flu. The thing is while I was there I figured I'd mention the hard lump on my daughters rib. It wasn't causing her any pain and the position it is in it really was not uncomfortable. When I mentioned it to the doctor (who turns out was a nurse practitioner), I was told it might be cancer. Talk about warning bells and red flags going up.
     She wanted my daughter to take a round of test to confirm exactly what it was. So here my daughter is going to the hospital to have blood drawn and a CT scan taken. Honestly I was scared. I mean here I am at the hospital worrying that my daughter may have cancer, that is enough to make anyone upset. I asked my husband not to tell his parents and he didn't. I and our daughter did not see the point in telling them until we knew for sure.
     We waited and waited for the doctor's office to call and give us the results. I called the Nurse practitioner's personal cell and was informed by her that she had been fired/terminated what ever you want to call it. I was not given any details but I got the impression that the doctor's office wanted her stop ordering test that may not be necessary. 

Demon vlogs part 1

     Well I can say one thing being a parent is not a job for the faint of heart. My nephew has it in his head that he is going to become a millionaire by making YouTube videos. I hate to break it to him but I can't see that happening. He wanted to make some videos in Wal-Mart. Honestly I saw no harm in it, at least not until I saw his intent. He called it vlogs, what ever that is, and when he was doing this my daughter innocent and  impressionable was along for the ride. Long story short he videoed himself vandalizing property in Wal-Mart, and laughing about it saying "I wonder if we can get thrown out". He was also hiding items in other items that could be seen as shoplifting by the store management. He posted all of this on YouTube with my daughter as his sidekick. My daughter told my husband, her father, about what happened and to his credit he didn't do anything or jump to conclusions, he waited until he saw the video she had on her phone, and the the video my nephew posted. My daughter knew what they did was wrong and she really did not protest much when he took her phone away. Her main concern or should I say worry was that she was on the YouTube video, and she did not do any of the actual vandalizing.

     The next day I informed my sister, his mother, about what had happened to put it mildly she was PISSED. I was unaware that this is not the first time he had done something like this and he had been warned that he would be punished if it happened again. Well I don't know what she did but I'm sure it was something that will make him think twice before doing it again , or at least I hope so.

    

Christmas Crash

    






          I was doing well dealing with my depression, that was until my husband let me know that he really did not want to see my family this Christmas. You see when I got married almost 11 years ago I stopped having Christmas with my extended family, not my parents and siblings just the extended family members that celebrate on Christmas eve. Anyway my husband made it clear that he does not want to be there and that he is going to only stay long enough to say he went. We are going in separate cars.
          I can understand that to a degree because my grandmother has made it very, very clear that she does not like my husband she has gone out of her way to let most people know how much she hates him especially when he is around so that she can point him out to those people she is telling. Oh well my place is with my husband and forever will I be at his side.




UPDATE-I had Christmas with my extended family this year and my grandmother did what I expected. She made hateful looks and quiet whispers to who ever would listen to her. My family God bless them see her words as nothing but the ramblings of a bitter old woman without friends and  precious little family members left that can and will tolerate her as the years go by.

3 weeks and counting

     This marks three weeks I have been dealing with a depression that simply will not let go. Yesterday when I was asking my daughter why she would not eat all she could do was yell at me and I do mean yell. Her scream at me shook the entire house all because I wanted her to eat something that she has asked for to begin with. It got to the point that I had to take a valerian and a Saint John's Wort because my nerve were so rattled. All my daughter does is yell at me and make demands and screams at me when I can't move fast enough to do her bidding. Honestly I feel like I am nothing but a waste of space and that I am a worthless piece of shit. I am constantly being told that I am no good and that I am good for nothing to the point that I am repeating it to myself all day every day.

     My husband God bless him does not understand. He thinks that if he tells me he loves me and that I am important to him all the depression will go away, well it does for a very short while ( a few hours) and then it creeps right back in. I did some research online and from what I read it is a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes a depression like this. The chemical imbalance could be due to hormone levels and I am approaching the are of menopause. When I see my doctor next month I am going to talk to her about it, maybe she will be able to do something, because I am having a hard time coping with it the constant sadness and these feelings of unworthiness.

A bad week

     This past week has not been a good one for me. I have been battling depression and it seems that the past week has been extra hard on me.  My husband, God bless him, is so confused and I can't say that I blame him. He has never understood exactly why I get so depressed, and to be perfectly honest I don't either. The only thing I can say is that it is a feeling of sadness that I simply cannot shake, and no matter how funny a joke is or how many times I smile I  am still sad inside. I have been hiding this feeling for a very long time but lately it has been getting worse to the point of suicidal depression.  My husband told me to go outside and shoot my handgun because when he feels bad that is what he does, I told him that I did not like that idea.  I mean how do I tell my husband that the idea has crossed my mind time and time again to take that very gun and blow my brains out, so that the sadness and feelings of worthlessness will forever go away and never return.

     It may be that I am approaching menopause and the hormones are different than they used to be. I have gotten to the point that I would rather live in a fog and walk around like a zombie than have this constant feeling of hopelessness, and dread with me every day without fail.  I have a good life and I love my husband and daughter with all my heart and I would never do anything to hurt them; but sometimes I feel that I am such a failure to them and that they deserve so much better than me. Every time I try to do something helpful around the house I am either yelled at for not doing it fast enough or for doing it in a way that is different from the way it "Should" be done.

     When I was a child (younger the 5) my mother admitted to me that she wanted to kill me, and my father told me that he never wanted me born in the first place, he always wanted a son first. When a was six I was approached by a neighbor that attempted to sexually molest me. I escaped and ran home where my mother beat me and told me, no ordered me, to do as I was told by anyone older than me. So when the neighbor approached me again I did not run away or try to escape, I let him do what he wanted because he was older than me and I did not want to be punished again. Needless to say I felt bad afterward , but as far as I was concerned I was being a dutiful daughter. After that eposide I  felt so worthless, I went to my father and asked him what he thought he said was that any female (regardless of age) had it coming if a man sexually assaulted her, because no man does that with provocation from a female in the first place. As you can guess that did not make me feel any better, it only made a bad situation worse.

     I am  going to try to get my mind off of this dreary subject and take up a new hobby. I went to Wal-Mart and purchased myself an adult coloring book and pencils. I am hopeful that this may help me refocus my life and help me get in a better mood. If not I have a doctors appointment Jan 4th and maybe the doctor can give me some ideas on options that may help me overcome these feelings of dread and worthlessness that seem to bombard me at times. 

Parenting is hard work

     I have a daughter that is 9 years old that thinks she is 19. I love that daughter of mine, I love her with all my heart but to be perfectly honest sometimes I hate being a mother. I am about to say something that only a mother or lets be honest a parent would understand.

     I cook for my family and I clean house, I wash the clothes, I am even the one that writes the checks that pays the bills. I go to the grocery store and buy the food and whatever else is needed when it is needed. I can say without a doubt that more often than not I never hear a word of thanks. Would it be so hard to say thank you once in a while, I can only guess that the word thank you does not apply to mothers.

The beach and it's wonders

     My family lives less than a two hour drive from the beach and it is a place like no other. I have had the best times of my life on the beach, it is where I spent my honeymoon ten years ago, and it is also where my husband and my daughter have continued to vacation several times a year.

     The beach could be considered a magical place to some people and just sand and water to others. There is something my husband always says when we are at the beach. " We are at the edge of the world," and he is right.

     Standing on the beach and letting the water touch your feet is a feeling like no other feeling in the world, it is calming and peaceful. A person can spend the entire day at the beach and watch the tide roll in and out. The current is always bringing in shells and other things like sharks teeth and small fish that dart in front of your feet almost daring you to catch them.  This past weekend we went to the beach and it was amazing to me to watch a storm about fifty miles in the distance off the coast. Watching the lighting brighten the sky was a mesmerizing experience and one I will more than likely never forget.

     The section beach that we go to is called crescent beach, which is part of the town ( or city) of North Myrtle Beach. This part of the beach is more family friendly oriented and with a small child that is what you want. I hope that it stays that way despite the many people that make it their go to spot when they vacation there.