This past week has not been a good one for me. I have been battling depression and it seems that the past week has been extra hard on me. My husband, God bless him, is so confused and I can't say that I blame him. He has never understood exactly why I get so depressed, and to be perfectly honest I don't either. The only thing I can say is that it is a feeling of sadness that I simply cannot shake, and no matter how funny a joke is or how many times I smile I am still sad inside. I have been hiding this feeling for a very long time but lately it has been getting worse to the point of suicidal depression. My husband told me to go outside and shoot my handgun because when he feels bad that is what he does, I told him that I did not like that idea. I mean how do I tell my husband that the idea has crossed my mind time and time again to take that very gun and blow my brains out, so that the sadness and feelings of worthlessness will forever go away and never return.
It may be that I am approaching menopause and the hormones are different than they used to be. I have gotten to the point that I would rather live in a fog and walk around like a zombie than have this constant feeling of hopelessness, and dread with me every day without fail. I have a good life and I love my husband and daughter with all my heart and I would never do anything to hurt them; but sometimes I feel that I am such a failure to them and that they deserve so much better than me. Every time I try to do something helpful around the house I am either yelled at for not doing it fast enough or for doing it in a way that is different from the way it "Should" be done.
When I was a child (younger the 5) my mother admitted to me that she wanted to kill me, and my father told me that he never wanted me born in the first place, he always wanted a son first. When a was six I was approached by a neighbor that attempted to sexually molest me. I escaped and ran home where my mother beat me and told me, no ordered me, to do as I was told by anyone older than me. So when the neighbor approached me again I did not run away or try to escape, I let him do what he wanted because he was older than me and I did not want to be punished again. Needless to say I felt bad afterward , but as far as I was concerned I was being a dutiful daughter. After that eposide I felt so worthless, I went to my father and asked him what he thought he said was that any female (regardless of age) had it coming if a man sexually assaulted her, because no man does that with provocation from a female in the first place. As you can guess that did not make me feel any better, it only made a bad situation worse.
I am going to try to get my mind off of this dreary subject and take up a new hobby. I went to Wal-Mart and purchased myself an adult coloring book and pencils. I am hopeful that this may help me refocus my life and help me get in a better mood. If not I have a doctors appointment Jan 4th and maybe the doctor can give me some ideas on options that may help me overcome these feelings of dread and worthlessness that seem to bombard me at times.
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