When people look at me they may think that woman has everything, a loving husband, and beautiful daughter, a home to call her own, she's going to school and she has a part time job that has no set hours which means she can sleep in everyday of the week or simply not go in at all if she chooses. Problem is this woman does have a problem, it's called premenstrual depression and she can hide very well.
As most women know, at a certain time of the month a woman's emotions often go into overdrive. I am no exception. A few days before my period several things happen, physically I have just about the worse case of diarrhea a person can have this includes cramps that make you fall to your knees and double over in pain, and sitting on the toilet for at least an hour or two. When this is finally over you are so weak that you can't function because you are so drained of energy because of the diarrhea you just had, but this pales in comparison to the depression that follows.
When I say depression I mean suicidal depression and it can me very severe at times. I have been able to fight it off and keep my family in the dark about the severity of it but as I get older the bouts are getting worse and more intense. I will cut myself and watched as my life blood drains out of me then I will cry, panic and crawl into bed praying for a death that never comes.
I have always felt that I was never good enough, that I was ugly, stupid, unworthy. This probably stems from the fact that when I was 5 my dad told me he wished I had never been born, or that he wished I had been born a boy instead of a girl. My mom even admitted that she had often thought of killing me as a child. One time when I was about thirteen my family was visiting a church, the preacher's wife walked up to me and with a smile looked me in the eye and said your sister is so much prettier than you are. The preachers wife tells me this, you can imagine how hurt I was, to be honest I was close to tears, I mean how could anyone especially the preachers wife say that to a child that is a visitor in Gods house. This is just the tip of the iceberg I had to deal with while growing up.
When I got married my spirits were lifted for a few years. I had a loving husband, we had a beautiful daughter and everything seemed right in the world. I became a stay-at-home mom while my husband would go to work. Oh, we had ups and downs but when you are married what couple doesn't, especially when you add a child to the mix and the two people have been married less than a year. I can say the first two years were hard, we were getting used to each other as people then we turned into parents six weeks before our first anniversary, talk about a lot to go through in one year, but we made it.
Then our daughter starts school and I need something to get rid of all these depression thoughts going through my head. So I get a part time job working as a retail merchandiser for Hallmark card company. This job has no set hours and it does not interfere with my family time at home. When that wasn't enough I think my husband caught on to the fact that something was wrong so he suggested I go to back to school and work on the degree that my parents said I would never be good enough to achieve. So I enrolled and I have a 3.8 GPA so far and I only have one year to go.
With all this going on you would think that my mind would not have time to wander and that depression would not be able to reared its ugly head, but that is not how depression works, it still enters my thoughts and sometimes it is a bit overwhelming especially when it is time for Aunt Flo's visit. I am going to beat this because life is worth living and I am going to live it.
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