3 weeks and counting

     This marks three weeks I have been dealing with a depression that simply will not let go. Yesterday when I was asking my daughter why she would not eat all she could do was yell at me and I do mean yell. Her scream at me shook the entire house all because I wanted her to eat something that she has asked for to begin with. It got to the point that I had to take a valerian and a Saint John's Wort because my nerve were so rattled. All my daughter does is yell at me and make demands and screams at me when I can't move fast enough to do her bidding. Honestly I feel like I am nothing but a waste of space and that I am a worthless piece of shit. I am constantly being told that I am no good and that I am good for nothing to the point that I am repeating it to myself all day every day.

     My husband God bless him does not understand. He thinks that if he tells me he loves me and that I am important to him all the depression will go away, well it does for a very short while ( a few hours) and then it creeps right back in. I did some research online and from what I read it is a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes a depression like this. The chemical imbalance could be due to hormone levels and I am approaching the are of menopause. When I see my doctor next month I am going to talk to her about it, maybe she will be able to do something, because I am having a hard time coping with it the constant sadness and these feelings of unworthiness.

A bad week

     This past week has not been a good one for me. I have been battling depression and it seems that the past week has been extra hard on me.  My husband, God bless him, is so confused and I can't say that I blame him. He has never understood exactly why I get so depressed, and to be perfectly honest I don't either. The only thing I can say is that it is a feeling of sadness that I simply cannot shake, and no matter how funny a joke is or how many times I smile I  am still sad inside. I have been hiding this feeling for a very long time but lately it has been getting worse to the point of suicidal depression.  My husband told me to go outside and shoot my handgun because when he feels bad that is what he does, I told him that I did not like that idea.  I mean how do I tell my husband that the idea has crossed my mind time and time again to take that very gun and blow my brains out, so that the sadness and feelings of worthlessness will forever go away and never return.

     It may be that I am approaching menopause and the hormones are different than they used to be. I have gotten to the point that I would rather live in a fog and walk around like a zombie than have this constant feeling of hopelessness, and dread with me every day without fail.  I have a good life and I love my husband and daughter with all my heart and I would never do anything to hurt them; but sometimes I feel that I am such a failure to them and that they deserve so much better than me. Every time I try to do something helpful around the house I am either yelled at for not doing it fast enough or for doing it in a way that is different from the way it "Should" be done.

     When I was a child (younger the 5) my mother admitted to me that she wanted to kill me, and my father told me that he never wanted me born in the first place, he always wanted a son first. When a was six I was approached by a neighbor that attempted to sexually molest me. I escaped and ran home where my mother beat me and told me, no ordered me, to do as I was told by anyone older than me. So when the neighbor approached me again I did not run away or try to escape, I let him do what he wanted because he was older than me and I did not want to be punished again. Needless to say I felt bad afterward , but as far as I was concerned I was being a dutiful daughter. After that eposide I  felt so worthless, I went to my father and asked him what he thought he said was that any female (regardless of age) had it coming if a man sexually assaulted her, because no man does that with provocation from a female in the first place. As you can guess that did not make me feel any better, it only made a bad situation worse.

     I am  going to try to get my mind off of this dreary subject and take up a new hobby. I went to Wal-Mart and purchased myself an adult coloring book and pencils. I am hopeful that this may help me refocus my life and help me get in a better mood. If not I have a doctors appointment Jan 4th and maybe the doctor can give me some ideas on options that may help me overcome these feelings of dread and worthlessness that seem to bombard me at times. 

Parenting is hard work

     I have a daughter that is 9 years old that thinks she is 19. I love that daughter of mine, I love her with all my heart but to be perfectly honest sometimes I hate being a mother. I am about to say something that only a mother or lets be honest a parent would understand.

     I cook for my family and I clean house, I wash the clothes, I am even the one that writes the checks that pays the bills. I go to the grocery store and buy the food and whatever else is needed when it is needed. I can say without a doubt that more often than not I never hear a word of thanks. Would it be so hard to say thank you once in a while, I can only guess that the word thank you does not apply to mothers.

The beach and it's wonders

     My family lives less than a two hour drive from the beach and it is a place like no other. I have had the best times of my life on the beach, it is where I spent my honeymoon ten years ago, and it is also where my husband and my daughter have continued to vacation several times a year.

     The beach could be considered a magical place to some people and just sand and water to others. There is something my husband always says when we are at the beach. " We are at the edge of the world," and he is right.

     Standing on the beach and letting the water touch your feet is a feeling like no other feeling in the world, it is calming and peaceful. A person can spend the entire day at the beach and watch the tide roll in and out. The current is always bringing in shells and other things like sharks teeth and small fish that dart in front of your feet almost daring you to catch them.  This past weekend we went to the beach and it was amazing to me to watch a storm about fifty miles in the distance off the coast. Watching the lighting brighten the sky was a mesmerizing experience and one I will more than likely never forget.

     The section beach that we go to is called crescent beach, which is part of the town ( or city) of North Myrtle Beach. This part of the beach is more family friendly oriented and with a small child that is what you want. I hope that it stays that way despite the many people that make it their go to spot when they vacation there.

A new job?

    

     Yesterday I took a step toward my career in accounting. I mailed in a employment application to be a town clerk-treasurer. The job is only for a part time position which is only two days a week. The town is a small town so I guess they can't afford to pay a full time clerk, but the way I see it this will give me experience and in today's job market that is something that is not that easy to get.

     I do not know if I will get the job but I figure I can at least try. I did put in an application at INA back in May and I have heard nothing back, so I am assuming that the job went to someone else and if it didn't it sure is taking INA as long time to get back with me about the job. The job at INA was a full time position with benefits and it would have been a good job, problem is that then my husband was not sure if he wanted me to take the job. He admitted that he liked having me home so that I could do some things that be wanted me to take care of such as the grocery shopping and running around doing errands for him. If I had a full-time job that would be out, not only that but if by some chance something came up with our daughter who would be the one to take care of her? NO matter what I am going to start really applying for jobs when our daughter starts school, by then I will not have to worry about a sitter the way I have to over the summer.

     The best way to put is that time will tell when it come to my future in accounting.

June vacation

     This past weekend my family and I went to the beach for some R&R. Normally when we go my husband argues the entire time that we are on the road and to be perfectly honest a lot of the time while we are at the beach to begin with. Not this time, out daughter let him know that she did not like riding in the car with him because all he does is fuss at any and everybody. When I say everyone I mean all he can say is how stupid the drivers are and the road construction crew is in the way that they design roads and cars. To be perfectly honest when you start the trip off like that it really spoils it for everyone in the car before you reach your destination. Usually after we reach our destination me and our daughter simply want to leave my husband, her father alone for a while so that we do not have to hear all about how stupid the drivers on the road are or how he would have constructed the road better than the ones that made it.

     Well this past trip was a good trip, my husband did not argue about every car on the road and he did not tell me that it would be best I kept my mouth shut the entire trip to the beach like he normally does. I won't say he was an angel but compared to the trips we usually have, he was pretty darn close. If makes me really look forward to our next trip to the beach when we go to mustang week.

A Submissive wife is...

     What exactly is a submissive wife. Well according to the bible Ephesians chapter 5 verse 21-26
21- Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God
22- Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23- For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body
24- Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25- Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26- That he might sanctify and cleanse it with washing of water by the word.
According to Strong's bible dictionary of bible words the word submit means (in this instance) to subordinate; to obey. The word submit does not mean to surrender, that is in verse Hebrews 13:17 and that does not refer to married couples, it refers to God himself.


     So before you start thinking that being a submissive wife means being a slave in your own home do your homework and think about it.
     I can only speak for myself but being a submissive wife has perks. If you want to know what the perks are I suggest you read Song of Solomon, and read all of it.
     I will say one thing, if you have are not a submissive wife you don't know what you are missing.

I graduated

    

      I have earned my associates degree in accounting. It took a lot of work but I did it. At my graduation ceremony my husband was there with our daughter and believe it or not my parents were there. This caught me by complete surprise. I mean my when I graduated from high school my dad got there late and left early because he wanted to play golf. Well I guess over the years he has had a change of priorities, it took a while but he made it. I was surprised to see my mom as well. She always said that girls don't need to go to college. and therefore she discouraged me from going. I wend anyway, and now I have an associates degree in accounting. I don't know what I will do next but I will definitely do it with my head held high and a loving supportive husband by my side and also I can say I will have other family members support as well.