Emma Geneva is published

 

       Well this is the official cover of my first book in what I call The Bride Series.

It was done by a high school student at the local high school.  It is about Matthew Godwin and Deborah Ramsey. 

The second book is titled His Blessed Bride It will be about John (and Susanna).

The Third  (untitled ) will be about Luke (and Elizabeth).

The Forth and final (untitled) will be about Mark the youngest brother (and Rhonda).

A New Chapter/A New Life

   

 It has been a while since I have posted and to be honest a lot has gone on and I have simply forgotten so here goes. 

    Almost three years ago I quite my job as a retail merchandiser because my husband said I wasn't making enough and that I needed a full time job with benefits, problem is he wants me to stay home with our daughter who is autistic and has ADHD. She is on several medications in an attempt to control it but the medication combination isn't right yet. Anyway I got a job that was a work from home job, with full benefits, you'd think that would please my husband, but that is a giant NO. Seems I spend too much time working instead of doing what he wants done. 

    I was naive in thinking he'd actually help in the day to day things around the house. NO all he could do was complain about what a bad person I am, how stupid I am, and also that I'll never amount to anything and what a sorry wife I am. I ended up quitting the work from home job, a job I loved and got fulfillment out of, all for a man who doesn't give a damn about me. I guess I am a sorry excuse for a human being, let alone a wife. I could not take the constant complaining from my husband and yes he got our daughter on his side so if he talks trash to me our daughter is right there beside him doing the same thing. 

    I'm sorry Husband, its hard to want to take care of a household that doesn't give a damn about me and quite honestly never really has in the last fifteen years. You may ask do I have proof of this, and I am truthful when I say yes I have concrete evidence. We have been married almost eighteen years, you'd think I'd be the beneficiary on his 401k, pension, life insurance, everything that would give me something to live off of should something ever happen to him, but no, his mother is his sole beneficiary, not me, not our daughter. I asked him if he would change it to at least our daughter, he claimed he never got around to it said he would change it, but when he got the statement in the mail (he gets one every three months) his mother was listed and being the 100% beneficiary, and according to the statement he received two months ago she still is. As his wife I have access to the mail so he lied to me about who would get everything should anything happen to him. If anything happens to him his mother gets it all, his money, his share of the house, his cars everything. I'll be left with nothing but what I have now or what I have saved. 

    Several years ago we were having a discussion I bought up his mother being in control of his life, he got angry in a flash and informed me that his mother would always be more important to him than I would ever be. To put it mildly I was hurt and ever since then I have understood I will never be important to him. I was in a car accident (deer hit the car). When I called him to tell him what had happened on my way home from going to the store to get his beer he came and all he could do was berate me about hitting a deer. I was upset, barely conscious and all he can do is tell me I'm an idiot. Sometimes I wish I had died in that accident, but God had other plans for me (but that's another entry).

   

    
 

False Alarm

    

     Last week I took my daughter to the doctor because she had a stuffy nose and this being flu season I wanted to be sure it wasn't the flu. The thing is while I was there I figured I'd mention the hard lump on my daughters rib. It wasn't causing her any pain and the position it is in it really was not uncomfortable. When I mentioned it to the doctor (who turns out was a nurse practitioner), I was told it might be cancer. Talk about warning bells and red flags going up.
     She wanted my daughter to take a round of test to confirm exactly what it was. So here my daughter is going to the hospital to have blood drawn and a CT scan taken. Honestly I was scared. I mean here I am at the hospital worrying that my daughter may have cancer, that is enough to make anyone upset. I asked my husband not to tell his parents and he didn't. I and our daughter did not see the point in telling them until we knew for sure.
     We waited and waited for the doctor's office to call and give us the results. I called the Nurse practitioner's personal cell and was informed by her that she had been fired/terminated what ever you want to call it. I was not given any details but I got the impression that the doctor's office wanted her stop ordering test that may not be necessary. 

Demon vlogs part 1

     Well I can say one thing being a parent is not a job for the faint of heart. My nephew has it in his head that he is going to become a millionaire by making YouTube videos. I hate to break it to him but I can't see that happening. He wanted to make some videos in Wal-Mart. Honestly I saw no harm in it, at least not until I saw his intent. He called it vlogs, what ever that is, and when he was doing this my daughter innocent and  impressionable was along for the ride. Long story short he videoed himself vandalizing property in Wal-Mart, and laughing about it saying "I wonder if we can get thrown out". He was also hiding items in other items that could be seen as shoplifting by the store management. He posted all of this on YouTube with my daughter as his sidekick. My daughter told my husband, her father, about what happened and to his credit he didn't do anything or jump to conclusions, he waited until he saw the video she had on her phone, and the the video my nephew posted. My daughter knew what they did was wrong and she really did not protest much when he took her phone away. Her main concern or should I say worry was that she was on the YouTube video, and she did not do any of the actual vandalizing.

     The next day I informed my sister, his mother, about what had happened to put it mildly she was PISSED. I was unaware that this is not the first time he had done something like this and he had been warned that he would be punished if it happened again. Well I don't know what she did but I'm sure it was something that will make him think twice before doing it again , or at least I hope so.

    

Christmas Crash

    






          I was doing well dealing with my depression, that was until my husband let me know that he really did not want to see my family this Christmas. You see when I got married almost 11 years ago I stopped having Christmas with my extended family, not my parents and siblings just the extended family members that celebrate on Christmas eve. Anyway my husband made it clear that he does not want to be there and that he is going to only stay long enough to say he went. We are going in separate cars.
          I can understand that to a degree because my grandmother has made it very, very clear that she does not like my husband she has gone out of her way to let most people know how much she hates him especially when he is around so that she can point him out to those people she is telling. Oh well my place is with my husband and forever will I be at his side.




UPDATE-I had Christmas with my extended family this year and my grandmother did what I expected. She made hateful looks and quiet whispers to who ever would listen to her. My family God bless them see her words as nothing but the ramblings of a bitter old woman without friends and  precious little family members left that can and will tolerate her as the years go by.

3 weeks and counting

     This marks three weeks I have been dealing with a depression that simply will not let go. Yesterday when I was asking my daughter why she would not eat all she could do was yell at me and I do mean yell. Her scream at me shook the entire house all because I wanted her to eat something that she has asked for to begin with. It got to the point that I had to take a valerian and a Saint John's Wort because my nerve were so rattled. All my daughter does is yell at me and make demands and screams at me when I can't move fast enough to do her bidding. Honestly I feel like I am nothing but a waste of space and that I am a worthless piece of shit. I am constantly being told that I am no good and that I am good for nothing to the point that I am repeating it to myself all day every day.

     My husband God bless him does not understand. He thinks that if he tells me he loves me and that I am important to him all the depression will go away, well it does for a very short while ( a few hours) and then it creeps right back in. I did some research online and from what I read it is a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes a depression like this. The chemical imbalance could be due to hormone levels and I am approaching the are of menopause. When I see my doctor next month I am going to talk to her about it, maybe she will be able to do something, because I am having a hard time coping with it the constant sadness and these feelings of unworthiness.

A bad week

     This past week has not been a good one for me. I have been battling depression and it seems that the past week has been extra hard on me.  My husband, God bless him, is so confused and I can't say that I blame him. He has never understood exactly why I get so depressed, and to be perfectly honest I don't either. The only thing I can say is that it is a feeling of sadness that I simply cannot shake, and no matter how funny a joke is or how many times I smile I  am still sad inside. I have been hiding this feeling for a very long time but lately it has been getting worse to the point of suicidal depression.  My husband told me to go outside and shoot my handgun because when he feels bad that is what he does, I told him that I did not like that idea.  I mean how do I tell my husband that the idea has crossed my mind time and time again to take that very gun and blow my brains out, so that the sadness and feelings of worthlessness will forever go away and never return.

     It may be that I am approaching menopause and the hormones are different than they used to be. I have gotten to the point that I would rather live in a fog and walk around like a zombie than have this constant feeling of hopelessness, and dread with me every day without fail.  I have a good life and I love my husband and daughter with all my heart and I would never do anything to hurt them; but sometimes I feel that I am such a failure to them and that they deserve so much better than me. Every time I try to do something helpful around the house I am either yelled at for not doing it fast enough or for doing it in a way that is different from the way it "Should" be done.

     When I was a child (younger the 5) my mother admitted to me that she wanted to kill me, and my father told me that he never wanted me born in the first place, he always wanted a son first. When a was six I was approached by a neighbor that attempted to sexually molest me. I escaped and ran home where my mother beat me and told me, no ordered me, to do as I was told by anyone older than me. So when the neighbor approached me again I did not run away or try to escape, I let him do what he wanted because he was older than me and I did not want to be punished again. Needless to say I felt bad afterward , but as far as I was concerned I was being a dutiful daughter. After that eposide I  felt so worthless, I went to my father and asked him what he thought he said was that any female (regardless of age) had it coming if a man sexually assaulted her, because no man does that with provocation from a female in the first place. As you can guess that did not make me feel any better, it only made a bad situation worse.

     I am  going to try to get my mind off of this dreary subject and take up a new hobby. I went to Wal-Mart and purchased myself an adult coloring book and pencils. I am hopeful that this may help me refocus my life and help me get in a better mood. If not I have a doctors appointment Jan 4th and maybe the doctor can give me some ideas on options that may help me overcome these feelings of dread and worthlessness that seem to bombard me at times. 

Parenting is hard work

     I have a daughter that is 9 years old that thinks she is 19. I love that daughter of mine, I love her with all my heart but to be perfectly honest sometimes I hate being a mother. I am about to say something that only a mother or lets be honest a parent would understand.

     I cook for my family and I clean house, I wash the clothes, I am even the one that writes the checks that pays the bills. I go to the grocery store and buy the food and whatever else is needed when it is needed. I can say without a doubt that more often than not I never hear a word of thanks. Would it be so hard to say thank you once in a while, I can only guess that the word thank you does not apply to mothers.

The beach and it's wonders

     My family lives less than a two hour drive from the beach and it is a place like no other. I have had the best times of my life on the beach, it is where I spent my honeymoon ten years ago, and it is also where my husband and my daughter have continued to vacation several times a year.

     The beach could be considered a magical place to some people and just sand and water to others. There is something my husband always says when we are at the beach. " We are at the edge of the world," and he is right.

     Standing on the beach and letting the water touch your feet is a feeling like no other feeling in the world, it is calming and peaceful. A person can spend the entire day at the beach and watch the tide roll in and out. The current is always bringing in shells and other things like sharks teeth and small fish that dart in front of your feet almost daring you to catch them.  This past weekend we went to the beach and it was amazing to me to watch a storm about fifty miles in the distance off the coast. Watching the lighting brighten the sky was a mesmerizing experience and one I will more than likely never forget.

     The section beach that we go to is called crescent beach, which is part of the town ( or city) of North Myrtle Beach. This part of the beach is more family friendly oriented and with a small child that is what you want. I hope that it stays that way despite the many people that make it their go to spot when they vacation there.

A new job?

    

     Yesterday I took a step toward my career in accounting. I mailed in a employment application to be a town clerk-treasurer. The job is only for a part time position which is only two days a week. The town is a small town so I guess they can't afford to pay a full time clerk, but the way I see it this will give me experience and in today's job market that is something that is not that easy to get.

     I do not know if I will get the job but I figure I can at least try. I did put in an application at INA back in May and I have heard nothing back, so I am assuming that the job went to someone else and if it didn't it sure is taking INA as long time to get back with me about the job. The job at INA was a full time position with benefits and it would have been a good job, problem is that then my husband was not sure if he wanted me to take the job. He admitted that he liked having me home so that I could do some things that be wanted me to take care of such as the grocery shopping and running around doing errands for him. If I had a full-time job that would be out, not only that but if by some chance something came up with our daughter who would be the one to take care of her? NO matter what I am going to start really applying for jobs when our daughter starts school, by then I will not have to worry about a sitter the way I have to over the summer.

     The best way to put is that time will tell when it come to my future in accounting.

June vacation

     This past weekend my family and I went to the beach for some R&R. Normally when we go my husband argues the entire time that we are on the road and to be perfectly honest a lot of the time while we are at the beach to begin with. Not this time, out daughter let him know that she did not like riding in the car with him because all he does is fuss at any and everybody. When I say everyone I mean all he can say is how stupid the drivers are and the road construction crew is in the way that they design roads and cars. To be perfectly honest when you start the trip off like that it really spoils it for everyone in the car before you reach your destination. Usually after we reach our destination me and our daughter simply want to leave my husband, her father alone for a while so that we do not have to hear all about how stupid the drivers on the road are or how he would have constructed the road better than the ones that made it.

     Well this past trip was a good trip, my husband did not argue about every car on the road and he did not tell me that it would be best I kept my mouth shut the entire trip to the beach like he normally does. I won't say he was an angel but compared to the trips we usually have, he was pretty darn close. If makes me really look forward to our next trip to the beach when we go to mustang week.

A Submissive wife is...

     What exactly is a submissive wife. Well according to the bible Ephesians chapter 5 verse 21-26
21- Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God
22- Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23- For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body
24- Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25- Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26- That he might sanctify and cleanse it with washing of water by the word.
According to Strong's bible dictionary of bible words the word submit means (in this instance) to subordinate; to obey. The word submit does not mean to surrender, that is in verse Hebrews 13:17 and that does not refer to married couples, it refers to God himself.


     So before you start thinking that being a submissive wife means being a slave in your own home do your homework and think about it.
     I can only speak for myself but being a submissive wife has perks. If you want to know what the perks are I suggest you read Song of Solomon, and read all of it.
     I will say one thing, if you have are not a submissive wife you don't know what you are missing.

I graduated

    

      I have earned my associates degree in accounting. It took a lot of work but I did it. At my graduation ceremony my husband was there with our daughter and believe it or not my parents were there. This caught me by complete surprise. I mean my when I graduated from high school my dad got there late and left early because he wanted to play golf. Well I guess over the years he has had a change of priorities, it took a while but he made it. I was surprised to see my mom as well. She always said that girls don't need to go to college. and therefore she discouraged me from going. I wend anyway, and now I have an associates degree in accounting. I don't know what I will do next but I will definitely do it with my head held high and a loving supportive husband by my side and also I can say I will have other family members support as well.

Fall 2015 semester starts

     Well I had my first day of school this semester and for the business law class I have the same teacher I had for the marketing class. Mr. Erby is a older teacher and sometimes some students will joke that he laid part of the foundation for the building itself, in reality he has been out there 43 years and he will admit he could retire, and that he will when the time is right, or when he feels like it.

     I am taking two online classes this semester and to be honest I was a bit scared about the ENG165 class but one of the girls in the class I am taking on campus told me the class was not hard at all and she took it over the summer. That gave me a relieved feeling. The other online class I am taking is managerial accounting. This is the first accounting class I have taken online and I hope I do well, after all I want to keep a high GPA, currently it is 3.8.

   My academic goal is to graduate with honors and I am already a member of two honor society's so I am well on my way to accomplishing my goal. If I could say what my dream job is that would be to have a job ad the IRS. A job like that would give me recognition and it would also pay well, but my ultimate goal is to get a job so that the pressure will be off my husband when he goes to work, but it isn't just that I would like to have a job because I just want one. Having a job does gives me a feeling of independence and accomplishment, and yes I also have pride in myself.

     The accounting field is a very broad field because it not only covers accounting it also covers business fields. As I was explaining to my mother some jobs require that you have a business degree and that could be business or it could be accounting because accounting is considered business, but if the job requires an accounting degree that means that if you have a business degree with out the accounting specialty then you do not qualify for the job. Having a degree in accounting just has more job opportunities in general. I am not going to lie accounting is not easy but if you can master it you might just do well in the long run.

   

Bachelors degree in accounting, maybe

     Today is Saturday morning and school starts Monday for me, it starts Wednesday for my daughter. A part of me is excited and a part of me is not. I will be glad to get my degree and at the same time I will miss the school time  have had. I enjoy learning new things and to be completely honest a part of me is seriously considering pursuing a bachelors degree in accounting. I have looked into several online classes that have the entire class online and I think that I just might be able to do it. Several people have done it and I know that I can. The problem is that my husband had a friend who's wife got her degree in accounting and as soon as that happened her attitude changed and things started going downhill in the marriage, and my husband thinks that may happen to me, it won't.

     The friend who's wife did this is a child of divorce and when they for married both of them were under 22. The friend was brought up in a home where the woman, or wife is the head of the house, and according to the bible that is not how it is suppose to be. I however was brought up in a house where the man. or husband is the head of the house as was my husband. I am also a submissive wife, which makes a difference as far as how a husband and wife interact with each other.

     I may never get a bachelors degree in accounting but I will say this if I can get a few classes in and not have to pay anything I will make an attempt to go for it. 

getting ready for school

     My daughter is starting 3rd grade and I am entering another semester towards completing my associates degree in accounting.  After this semester I will only have one semester left, the thing is the last semester I will have to enroll as a full time student because I will need to take four classes to earn the degree. I hope that the college offers the classes I need. I am fairly sure that the college will offer at least two of the classes business math and QuickBooks, but I also need to take cost accounting and payroll accounting. The classes I need have been online classes and, as a matter of fact the cost accounting is always an online class but the payroll has been both. If the classes I need are not offered I will have to wait until they are.

    

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird

This is the song my husband and I heard on our first date. It was played by three different bands in the same night, making the night one to remember.

Books for sale

     I have several college textbooks that I put for sale on the college Facebook page. I did not think I would sale any of them then all of the sudden people started contacting me like crazy. I guess I am going to make a bit of money from these books after all. The semester starts in less than a week so I guess the students are all getting ready to purchase the books before the semester starts and try to save a bit of money, I can't say that I blame them.

Wedding fun and a happy day

     Well when I went to the wedding of my husbands cousin last Saturday it started out not to good then it promptly changed to a wonderfully great time. I will say this I wish Morgan and Jason the very best I hope they have a long and happy marriage. 

A family wedding today.

          My family is going to a wedding today, it is the wedding of my husbands cousins daughter. I have not met the girl very often but I will say one thing about her, this child is very spoiled by her parents.

     She wanted my husband to drive her to the church in the car he restored that was her great grandfather's car, but changed her mind when she found out that the car did not have air conditioning. The car is a 1959 ford air conditioning was something that cars back then just did not have, anyway, she opted for a limo that charges $300 per hour for the first two hours and $150 for every additional hour. 

      I really feel sorry for her parents because as spoiled as she is the marriage may not make it. I can say with truthfulness and almost 10 years experience that marriage takes work, it is not a walk in the park and it is not easy. It takes a certain amount of maturity to get married and stay that way, I just hope I am wrong, only time will tell.

UPDATE

June 2016

I went to the wedding and I can say I had the best time in my life there, definitely more fun than at my brothers wedding where all you could do was sit there and wait at a long table and not sit with your family. The thing I should say it that the wedding was a while back and since them the newlyweds had welcomed a daughter into the family. I wish them the best and I hope they will be great parents.